Woodchuck's Tuna Linguine

Sweeney (originally from Karen)

Every year I go on a quasi-fishing trip (I paint and read while they fish) with a group of fun guys called The Royal of Order of Woodchucks. Each guy takes a turn preparing dinner one evening of the week. On my first trip, Peg wrote out these detailed cooking instructions for me so I wouldn’t mess up; they are pretty funny. I did succeed in making this dish and now the Woodchucks want me to make it again every year.

1.  Find a big pot, and check for roach residue. Boil 4-6 quarts of pure, mountain water in the big pot. If you don’t know how to boil water, stop now. Call the pizza delivery people.

  • Add 1 teaspoons salt for 4 people, or 2 teaspoons salt for 8 people.
  • When the water boils, add 12 oz. linguini for 4, or 24 oz. for 8 hungry men.

2. Cook the pasta according to package directions. Usually 7-10 minutes. Try not to drink beer during this time or you will become distracted. If you let pasta boil too long, it will get limp as an octogenarian without Viagra.

3. While the pasta is cooking, warm the olive oil (also known in some culinary circles as “cooking medium”) in a large skillet, and add the garlic, which you have finely diced. Cook the finely diced garlic in the oil for 1 minute on medium heat. Don’t let it burn or you’ll look like an incompetent ass.

  • ¼ cup olive oil for 4 people, or ½ cup olive oil for 8 people
  • 4 cloves garlic for 4 people, or 8-10 cloves garlic for 8

4. Now that you’ve practiced cooking something for a minute, you can add the following ingredients. You’re going to cook them for…another minute. After one minute, turn off the heat, cover the skillet and FOCUS on the pasta.

  • 1/16* teaspoon red pepper flakes for 4; 1/8 teaspoon* red pepper flakes for 8
  • ½ cup cheap white wine
  • 1 cup cheap white wine
  • ½ cup chicken broth
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 2 Tablespoons (big spoon, big guy) capers, or 4 Tablespoons (big spoon, big guy) capers
  • ½ jar sun-dried tomatoes, drained
  • 1 8 oz. jar sun-dried tomatoes, drained

*1/16 teaspoon or even 1/8 teaspoon is a very tiny, almost miniscule amount. Think of it as the number of people who belong to both the NAACP and MENSA.

5. When you can throw a piece of pasta against the wall and it sticks, it is done. When it’s done, drain it in a Chief Kolander (former San Diego Chief of Police) . Then add the drained pasta and tuna to the rest of the ingredients in the skillet. Cook until the liquidy stuff burns off (food snobs call this “reducing the sauce”). Put a hunk of this on a plate for each Woodchuck and top with sliced green olives and freshly grated Parmesan cheese (not the grated Kraft shit in a can that is mostly chemicals). Enjoy, and thank God for a wife who does most of the cooking.

  • 2, 6 oz. cans chunk tuna for 4 people, or 4, 6 oz. cans chunk tuna for 8
  • Some sliced green olives
  • Some sliced green olives
  • Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Serve with a Caesar salad and garlic bread paired with a nice bottle of Chardonnay. Serves 4 “normal” people or 8 hungry Woodchucks

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